Wolfine (wolfine) wrote,

Ready Steady Freddie!

The story that Modest has been spinning is that Louis, a wildly famous and wealthy celebrity, knocked up his one night stand, and no amount of money could keep her from announcing it waaaay before most folks do. Nor could they shush her from going to the press. In fact, she had barely the chance to miss her period before her mother was on Facebook, hitting the favorite button for baby and wedding things. After enduring a few interviews that attempted to bring up the subject, he apparently put his foot down and no one else asked a thing about the baby. HE certainly didn't bring it up, and told anyone who would listen that he looked forward to having no responsibilities on the hiatus, save for a "lads holiday." Not sure what that is, but I bet my keyboard it involves alcohol and partying till you see Elvis.

Regardless of Louis' plans, the baby train rolls on, and lo, the birth happens. No one is sure of the date, or time, weight, nothing, as no word from any reliable source says a damn thing. Louis, his Mum, sisters, family, bandmates, bosses...no one has a damn thing to say on Twitter. The fandom becomes restless and begins questioning if the whole thing even happened, so Louis sends out a quick Tweet about his son being born. From there...nothing. Fans again question why no one is saying anything, and finally his mother ReTweets what he said. A few folks dribble in some well wishes, but to this day? Harry has said nothing. Not sure about the rest of them.

Fans again questioned the validity of this thing, being as there were like...no photos from the family. Suddenly, we have pics! All is well...until folks do a reverse-search on Google and discover they are actually other babies from other families. ??? Even the shots of Briana (face still obscured by her hair) is some other blonde chick who just gave birth.

Now...I'm no genius...but even I have to wonder why in the HELL you would need to do that. If you don't want to have your baby photographed and his image splashed all over, you can just say so. Jackson kept his children out of the spotlights for years. Why are you parading other babies photos in your social media accounts and saying they are of Louis' baby? That's....oh, what's the word?...oh yeah! FUCKING LYING.

Days go by, and the big question (outside of whose baby this REALLY is) on everyone's mind is: What's his name? There are a few names that get tossed around, most from fans, and there is even a ridiculous entry..Conchobar...that becomes a hysterical meme on the Net. You'd think Mr. "I have a hard time holding me tongue" would get angry at folks having a laugh at the expense of his wee babe...but apparently no.

Folks again question if the baby is real, so Louis releases a very touching, artsy photo in black and white of him with a bare chest, holding the tiny babe against him. Any fan who sees this and has any experience with babies cringes immediately and goes "hold his head" under their breath. With the photo comes a name: Freddie. Freddie Reign. Freddie Reign Tomlinson. Not a bad name. Certainly not "Apple" or "Conchobar." A bit unusual, especially since it's not "Fredrick." It's "Freddie."

Well, okay then. Scores of Larries bail on the whole Larry idea, because bisexuality is as mythical as unicorns. (epic eyeroll) Some question if this image has been photoshopped, but hey, why would someone do THAT, right? Within a few days, someone has brightened the image enough so you can see the baby's face is not actually touching Louis' chest, which would be very, very hard as an infant that size has a hard time holding the weight of it's own melon aloft, and it's body position suggests it is leaning it's head forward onto something.

Someone else comes forward and notices Louis' face is very similar to a shot they had from an autograph session during Christmas. Overlaying the two results in an almost perfect match, which is statistically impossible. Subtle shifts in movement, angles, and lighting prevent two photos being that precisely alike. There is also the strange collection of eyelashes Louis seems to be sporting. The man has some impressive eyelashes, but they are decidedly NOT stacked one atop the other.

Then there is the editing tell. I'm not into photo software, but there is a way you can scan a photo and see if it has been doctored or edited. There are edit marks all OVER the baby, Louis' faceline, and especially his tattoos. Like, they had to be drawn in. His hair, while still similar in style, has been slightly altered in places to make it look like they are different shots, but the face lines up exactly. Like I said before, there is no way that can happen in reality. So...myth.

Well, damn. This is an awful lot of effort. But wait....there's more!

We get shots of Louis outside of Briana's place, putting the carseat base into the SUV. It looks mundane, but this will be important later.

Within a few days, we start getting papped shots of Louis, Briana and baby Freddie. Baby Freddie is played by a baby carrier with a blanket over it, so we never actually see anything. Briana looks FABULOUS! Despite giving birth a few days ago, her bump is all but gone, her coochie is healed enough to let her squeeze into skinny, tight pants, and she's marching around on some impressively healed shoes.

Pretty much anyone who has ever given birth, had a family member give birth, or is involved in the medical field, calls foul. I'm not sure about the shoes. My Cub came early so my feet did not swell. My cooch was sore as hell and full of stitches, but I walked because I HAD to. However, I did it in loose sweats with a pad between my legs because hello--still bleeding. And if the photos of Briana and her bump before the birth were real...there is no fucking way she deflates that fast. It's not fucking AIR in there, ya idiots! It can take a few weeks to go completely down, even if you are young and this is your first baby.

There is also a lot of papping going on, and the only way paps are following Briana around is if they are told where she will be. Louis and Briana apparently do a whirlwind tour of LA, and they are papped almost daily with the carrier. More folks who have baby experience wonder where these two are taking this baby, as usually you get home and limit visitors until the baby's immune system is a bit stronger.

So...more folks leave the Larry side of fandom. Bitter insults are thrown at the remaining Larries from the Antis on a regular basis and the general feeling is that Larries are delusional idiots and need to either leave the fandom or shut up and accept the narrative. LOL...that goes about as well as expected.

There is a very, very curious phenom which pops up, and that is when folks start wondering if this isn't somehow a big ol' FUCK YOU to Simon Cowell. How? Well, apparently there were rumors that Simon hisself is a big ol' Nancy, and he has a BF. A while ago he had an affair with the wife of a friend and "Oooopsie!" she got pregnant and birthed a babe. He is apparently raising said child? With his BFF, naturally. (Yeah, I can hear the Antis yelling No Homo from here.) Thing is...someone put photos up, side by side, of Simon and Louis...and they fucking matched! Like, Simon was papped with a hospital bracelet...so was Louis. There is a photo of Simon putting the car seat base into a car...then there is Louis'. There is an arsty, B&W pic of Simon with the infant against his chest...and there is Louis'. It looks deliberate, and creepy. Some speculate Louis was doing this on purpose to rile Simon, or maybe this is the playbook Simon goes to? There were also side by side shots of Simon taking a woman skiing, then shots of him canoodling on a yacht...eerily like Louis and Danielle and Harry and Kendall. Not sure what to make of all this as we never have all the facts.

RBB and SBB show up for Harry's birthday, with two pics. One shows them in front of a cake with 22 candles, the next shows them with cake all over themselves. The important thing is this: Both bears are stripped down to just their original black tape bondage attire. No costumes, no sunglasses, etc. Most Larries take this as Harry is free of his management company now, and no longer has to hide. There is much celebrating, especially as fans point to this as proof the bears are run by Harry and/or Louis. I'm not really convinced this does it, as everyone knew when his birthday was. Other things convince me that they DO run the bears, most notably because this whole bear thing has continued on, long after MikeMatt the technician from the tour would have either lost interest or at least stopped following 1D around the world. They continue to pop up wherever the boys are, so...

Some guy who writes for an online magazine takes an interest in this whole fiasco, and does an article pointing out all the weird crap swirling around this baby. Larries rejoice at an "outsider" finally seeing what they do! It's short lived, as before this guy can even post Part 2, the article (which mentions Simon) is taken down indefinitely and he is censored. Not cool, but not hard to do as what he was reporting was conclusions and questions woven in between the facts. Yes, Simon Cowell is hella rich, hella powerful, and hella not going to let folks say things which might bring up that whole gay issue. Again. He's paid a lot of money to keep that quiet! No nosey-ass fans are going to ruin HIS life!

We go back to radio silence, although other publications get wind folks may be interested in this story, but in lieu of actual things to report, they begin making shit up. Everything from Briana not happy with the ridiculous amount of money she would get from Louis, to Louis being upset that none of his bandmates have yet to see his babe, to Harry being proud of Louis and saying he is a "natural" father, to Louis saying there is no need for a paternity test because he is very sure Briana was faithful as they were "very serious" in their relationship. Which lasted all of a few hours and he hasn't interacted with her since. And she was a one night stand---but so, so faithful! also, he's already had the pat test done, and Freddie is indeed his, so, no need to look into THAT further...fans who have tried to find any official paperwork on this child actually being born. Under any name. To Briana or Louis. (epic eyeroll)

Then there is the reborn issue. I've seen artists who re-do dolls, or create porcelain faced dolls, and paint them to such a degree of accuracy that it is both stunningly beautiful and fucking creepy. You can literally take these dolls out with you, and as long as no one touches them or gets a good, long look at them, you'd have no idea they were not real. Think hyper-realistic sculpting and painting. Now...there are some fans in other fandoms who have suggested dolls have been used in stunts before. Not sure how accurate this theory is, and I was willing to dismiss it for Baby Freddie. BUT...then there was a shot of Briana kissing little Freddie in the hospital, all swaddled up to his chin with a wee knit cap on. He has eyes and mouth closed and seems to be sleeping peacefully. A week or so later, we get a photo of Briana's...little brother? Cousin? I don't know what he is, but he's young. Like 8-10 years young. He's got Baby Freddie over his lap for the traditional picture, and lo...Baby Freddie is sleeping peacefully. With, you know, the exact same expression and such.

Now, I know babies have limited expressions, but they DO move their faces and they tend to curl their bodies into fetal positions, etc. This? Looks exactly like the baby in the first pic. I could be wrong, and am happy to be so, but...it's starting to smell like a fish market in here.

The newest round of chuckles comes from Briana and her family. They have done everything to get their names and faces onto social media, taking their accounts off private, "leaking" photos and shit, then going back private. Now...a lot of folks are throwing shade at them for either being gold diggers or fakes, and while I never NEVER agree with anyone contacting the parties involved, apparently some folks have been texting, emailing, calling them at home, etc. and not all the stuff has been nice. There have been death threats and horrid language, I can only imagine. I'm not sure why folks do this, but it is a human reaction. Hence, the family, who now insists they wish to be Private! Thank you! are hiring layers to deal with the "crazy Larries" who have ben harassing them so bad.

Notice: as per usual, it's the Larries fault. No one ever says or does anything bad unless they are one of those delusional Larries.

So, the big joke is how much rainbow colored gear we can all wear to court when she sues our asses. Oh, Briana and Co., you so entertaining, you should have your own show. Except the Kardashians beat you to it.
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